The slide, the burns and the bully.

Most of the people have their best days in their kindergarten. Not me.

I had a best friend then. She was the only one who weighed more than me, and the duo terrorized the whole class. I was her silent partner, her shadow. I reminded them my existence only when it was needed. 

She was absent one day and the world seemed empty. No one to play with. No one to laugh with. I became a loner from a bully that day.

I sneaked out of the class and went down the steep stairs with cautious little steps. I reached the play-ground and immediately regretted. It was too hot. Hot, Hot, Hot.

But, the kids were all playing. How? I felt left alone...discarded. I had to do something. I am not someone, who sits in a classroom because she has no friends to play with. I don’t need anyone to have fun!

My eyes scanned the whole play-ground for a place to play! There was none. Everything was occupied…my favourite swings, the see saw…everything! Then I found it… THE SLIDE! It was empty. Why no one is using it? Blah!

It was made of metal, which spiralled down the wooden stairs that we use to reach the top. There were two slides, one a smaller one and the other bigger which spiralled two times. I went for the bigger one; I was in the mood for action! Growl

I went up the stairs. It was windy up there. My skirt rode up when I sat on the slide for my downward movement. Then I heard two sounds.

One was a hiss, which came when my backside made contact, with the scalding metal.

Second one was a high pitched agonized scream from my own throat.

And then before I can think, I was speeding downwards on the slide…

I was screaming the whole time, and in those agonizing moments...I realised that the slide doesn’t have a breaking system. I have to bear it until I reach the bottom. That damn thing spirals twice!

My scream had gathered the whole school and my teachers were waiting for my arrival with a bucket of water. The teacher yanked me out, and then I felt the gush of cold water over my burned bum. A sigh of relief escaped my lips…

But another pain claimed me immediately when I heard their laughter. Everyone saw my burned bum. Everyone laughed at my burned bum.

I was taken to my home immediately. As they laid me down, I wanted to know what exactly happened to my bum. Is there anything left there? I tried to twist and look at my back. My aunty understood what I was trying to do and she showed me the underpants I was wearing. It was torn where it matters the most. Everyone saw my naked burned bum.

The news spread like wild fire. Then I was known as the bully with the burned bum.

Rebounds.

I looked at them, and they looked at me back. There they are Frying pan, Oil, eggs and what not. If you know what to do with them, you will get a dinner. But there I was, simply staring at them with a grim face. Sigh. My stomach grumbled stating its agitation. “Consider it as dieting, idiot”, I mumbled. Sigh again.

The phone rang waking up half the neighbours and pissing me off more.

“Heylo”, I answered.

“Hey”. It was him. Why does he want to call me in the night?

“Yeah?”

“Want to go for dinner? I couldn’t sleep. There would be some midnight restaurants”. Bless him.

My face lightened up. There are two reasons for that – Free dinner, and unlimited supply of cigarettes. He is one of the guys who smokes like a chimney and is not ashamed of it. It was inspiring for a closet smoker like me. He was very much in love with a woman, a true romantic. Weird people! I was an entity for him – a weird, Living, breathing, yapping entity who has a good knowledge in science and Hollywood films. It relaxed me too, and I was never ashamed of begging him for cigarettes.

He picked me up in the car after 20 minutes. I was still in my pyjamas. It was a good drive and we spoke about our lives, dreams, ex lovers, ambitions and films. The “midnight restaurant” was a 4 star hotel with buffet. Buffett. My tummy rejoiced. I sprinted to get a plate and ran around sampling all the food little by little. When there were no more food items left to be tasted, he signalled to take the seat next to him.

The conversation continued and I continued gobbling. The Biriyani is awesome.

“Do you know? A guy should be lucky to marry you”, he said smiling.

I rolled my eyes. Oh! Here comes the sarcasm. But, right now, I am hungry. I did not bother to raise my eyes to meet his. I am a hungry woman!

“If I had met you before meeting her, I would have loved you”, He continued.

I stopped chewing and looked up with mouthful of biriyani. This is serious. I faked a giggle as I didn’t know how to react.

We sat and ate the rest of the dinner in silence. My brain was churning the thoughts so loud that I feared he would be able to hear it. Why does he have to say that to me? Does he think that I am easy? Is he hitting on me? Does he think I am such a loser that I will fall for any man?  The thoughts were endless and it was not going anywhere. I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts. I need a cigarette!

I stretched a little taller trying to find where the smoking room is.

“What happened?” He asked seeing that.

“Nah, feel like smoking”, I replied.

“...because of what I said?” he mocked.

“No, because of the biriyani”, I retorted.

“So what do you think?” He pushed the topic.

“What is there to think? You already HAVE a girl friend” I snubbed.

“Not any more”, He said under his breath.

“What happened?” I probed. This is interesting.

“Nothing. She called it off. Please, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“OK”, I stopped. May be some other time. I was a total sucker for a good gossip.

“Will you marry me?” He asked all of a sudden.

I grinned. “Maybe we should get a cigarette”.

He nodded and started his walk towards the car.  I followed him smiling.

Rebounds, Rebounds everywhere!

The angels.

Life was in turmoil for me then. It revolved Fast, too fast. My poor eyes were unable to keep up. I was still struggling in my sorrow filled world. With each step I take to get out, I slipped back more in to it.

I was becoming an alien to my friends. The growing dark circles around my eyes were the gift of my sleep-less nights. I walked aimlessly, my mind wandered but deep down I knew what I needed the most. It was a simple wish. I just needed him to call me.

I didn’t know when this journey to disintegration started, when his love for me was replaced by this cold indifference. The professors always made their best to remind me about my falling grades. I cared less. I had lost everything; I don’t have to worry anymore. There is nothing they can take away from me now.


I walked. Just kept on, walking.

I didn’t know when I reached my room. My roommates had learned to avoid me. They knew they could do nothing about my misery. My eyes welled frequently and now they conveniently ignored my sobs during the night. After all, it has been happening for more than a year now. But, they never really understood the real reason of my plight. I was in love, or at least I thought so.



The crowded hostel was suffocating me. Their laughs and merrymaking is not something meant for me anymore. I became silent, like a shadow. They were teasing Sherin, who recently got a proposal from a fellow class-mate. I could see that she was overjoyed. I was euphoric when he proposed me. So I understand. But, what after that? Can she possibly be thinking about my state? Or the way she will feel, when he will start to avoid her. I guess not. No one will.

No one will ever imagine their dreams being shattered, when they are so eagerly and carefully filling it with everything nice. I was good in it. I dreamed big about small things in life. Now even though I am watching them crumbling down, and I was still fighting it with my last ounce of strength. I couldn’t make myself believe that the damage is done. I couldn’t stop myself from hoping, and my heart leaped, whenever my phone rang.


Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. I was losing my patience. I was losing the hope that someday this pain will go away. I tried to be active, to mingle with everyone. But the ache was something inside me and it was killing me like cancer. I couldn’t make it go away. His face in my memories never faded. He never stopped coming in my dreams.

In one of my attempts to avoid my roommates, I ended up in the bathroom. Finally some space! I was crying. The ease with which the tears filled my eyes had stopped to surprise me. Now crying was a way a life. I was becoming angry, at myself, at him…at the whole world. What did I do to deserve this?

A strange determination seeped over me. I need to end this today. I can’t take it any longer. I am going to do whatever it takes.

There was only one option left for me. And that option was sounding more and more plausible as the time passed. Who needs me in this world anyway? And I don’t have any commitments either.

I sneaked out. My friends are working on the drawing sheet to be submitted tomorrow. I never had to bring it home; I was able to finish it in the college itself.



I searched my soldering kit. I got the blade. It was used to swipe away the insulation of the cables. I checked; it is sharp. It will be the apt tool for the act. I slipped back in to the bath-room. Nobody used to question my act those days. I was a bubble floating around aimlessly in mid-air.

My parents have already made it very clear, that they will live happily even without me. I remembered how my father pretended to be deaf, when I asked for school fees. I knew that I am a mile stone around my mother’s neck, the only thing which ties her to the gruesome married life she is having. So, no regrets there.

I checked for my pulse. Found it. I was reluctant for a second.

What will I say to God after I reach heaven? Or how it will be in hell? Am I doing the right thing?

His face flashed in my memory once again and my mind screamed for its freedom from this wretched body. I will trade anything for an escape from this, even my soul.

I closed my eyes, and slashed my wrist where I found the pulse. The blood gushed out. Thick rich velvety liquid.

It was warm, my warmth and it was going down the drain, like my life.

I waited.

Minutes passed…

I didn’t know what to expect. How will it be…?

I looked up for the angels or the demons, which would have come to escort me for the final journey. None!

I have stopped to bleed. I shook my hand a little. Still nothing.

I slashed my wrist again. A new gush of warm blood. It made me smile. I smiled at the zeal with which I wanted to die.

I waited again. The flow of my blood started thinning down again. I slashed it again and again.

Then the realization settled like a mist over me -- I am not going to die today

I slipped out of my bathroom and went to sleep silently. I had covered my wound with a cloth. It was dripping blood and I hoped that no one will notice it in that dim light. I tried to remember all the promises, he had given me. I held on to the pillow, as if it were my precious memories of him. After sometime, I became too tired to weep, and slipped in to a dream.

He was my idol of worship, and I was his devotee. I didn’t dare to touch him even in my dreams, fearing that I will make him impure. He was something divine, more precious than my mortal self. I lived in that never ending fascination.

Sreeja jerked me up my sleep. She was holding out my hand. The cloth has fallen off in the middle of my unconsciousness.

“What did you do? Are you mad for slashing your wrist for that a**hole?”

I didn’t know what to say, I looked away.

“You are insane! You need to go to a doctor”. She was holding my other hand tightly. Maybe she feared that if she let me go, I might slip away and never come back. I was still silent.

“Call him, Call Praveen. Call him now”, she commanded.

“I won’t”, I said bluntly. What will I tell my best friend?

“You cannot leave this wound unattended. You need a doctor”, she is almost pleadin now.

I sat up. She was still trying to come up with something. She was worried, genuinely. Yeah, it will be a big trouble if the warden finds out. I have heard somewhere that suicide attempt is a criminal offense. I didn’t want to go to jail. I didn’t want further isolation.

“I will call him”, I surrendered.

Praveen was my bestest buddy. By the level of maturity he shows, I was confident that he will find a way out. But telling him was the problem.

He answered the phone in the second ring. He wasn’t sleeping.

“Praveen, I have got a problem. I tried to commit suicide”, I said nonchalantly.

“How?” he asked. I didn’t find the element of surprise in his voice. May be he was expecting it.

“I slashed my wrist”

A longer pause from him.

“Do you know something? You are a silly woman, a naive girl. You proved it. You know nothing about this world”, He ranted.

I kept quiet. I was in no mood for an argument. The wound had started to bleed again.

“Is it bleeding now? Time is 12.30 and obviously I cannot come to your place now. Ask Sreeja to put first-aid on the wound. I will be there at morning 8.30 sharp. Don’t tell this incident to anyone” He said, without a break. I smiled. His level-headedness is something which has to be admired.

“Get some sleep now. See you tomorrow”, he said before ending the call.  

But, My night was sleepless as usual and I saw the day dawning slowly.

It was time to meet Praveen. I was anxious, but Sreeja hold on to me throughout the small walk even when my legs were quivering. I could see that Praveen was waiting near the park smoking a cigarette. I willed my legs to walk there. I could read from his face he was shaken by the news, but determined.

When I went close to him, he asked me to show my wound. I showed. It was disturbing and his face fell immediately.

“Get a taxi”, he ordered with tenderness.

When the taxi started to move, I saw that Praveen was ahead of us in his bike showing the way, and Sreeja still was holding my hands. I looked her in the eyes. No, she is not going to leave my hand. 

Tears welled up in my eyes. I looked up the sky with tear filled eyes. When you really need them, Angels will never fail to show up.

Someone in there!

I was talking over the phone in the hall next to the row of bathrooms. Once I finished the call, and started towards my room, I saw her peaking inside the bath room and then taking two steps back. She was holding her clothes bundled in her arms and I could see that she had plans to take a bath. I got concerned when she repeated it twice more.

“What’s the problem?” I asked walking towards her.

She was startled by my question. That concerned me more. What inside that bathroom is stealing all her attention?

“There is someone in there.” She whispered.

I halted in the middle of my stride. There is someone inside the bathroom of a girl’s hostel at night. I should be alarmed, and I was.




I signaled her to step back from the bathroom. But to my surprise she signaled me to come closer. WHAT? Does she want me to get attacked too? My instinct was to run downstairs and to wake up warden, but I could not make myself leave this stubborn girl so curiously looking in to the bathroom. I tiptoed close to her. She again whispered, “Ask him to go, please”. I was bewildered. Why would a burglar listen to my words? Mustering courage and putting confidence in my ability to scream really loud, I went close to that bathroom and peaked inside. It was empty. I glared at her now.

“Look, on the left”, she said in a muffled voice.

Nothing. I sighed.

“No, No, No, on the wall” She called out.

I checked again. There was an equally bewildered Gecko starting back at me with his innocent eyes. OK, Now I am mad.



“That “someone” is a gecko, and it has never killed anyone in the history of this damn world”, I exploded.

“OK, then make it go”, she quipped.

“Why?” I pleaded.

“I cannot take a bath before an audience”. She said flatly.

Womanhood.

“Sir, please sir, I just need a day’s attendance…I am sure, you will be able to think of something”, I begged.

“Shut up, let me finish with him”

The sir was a good looking guy with a pleasant face. This made all the more impossible to guess if he is angry or not. He is a good teacher, but tight-fisted when it comes to internal marks. I wasn’t the one who cared much for marks and we never got a chance for a duel. He was happy doing his job and I was happy not doing my job. But now, fate intertwined our destinies, and there I was standing in front of him because of my low attendance.

I looked at Neeraj (my fellow class mate ) through the corner of my eye. He was crying. It was nauseating to see a 6 foot tall guy with moustache crying like a baby. But sir was enjoying it profoundly. I pledged to myself -  I will not cry.

What did I do after all?

I didn’t find my faults as un-forgivable. The classes were a torture and I found happiness in the canteen. That’s all I did.

Minutes passed, but tears never stopped pouring out of his eyes. It was annoying and I was losing my patience. You don’t need to cry THIS much! The sir eyed me occasionally as if challenging me to come up with a better plan than his whining. I looked back at him blankly. ‘No sir, I am not going to put up a drama for viewing pleasure.’

After an hour of deliberation and watching that panicky poor thing dance around his office, he let him go! Then, He turned to me.

“What’s your reason?” he asked.

“Sir,.. Umm…, nothing…I just need a day’s attendance sir, and I swear I wont let this happen again”. I wanted to end it quickly.

He wasn’t amused.

“I need to talk to your parents”

“Sure, sir”. I dialled my mother’s number in my cell phone and gave it to him. My mother knew I am an out-cast in my family and this call won’t sway her much.

“Your daughter’s career is going down ….she has a bad attitude and we see her more in the campus canteen than in our classes” he said over the phone…blah blah blah. I rolled my eyes. ‘Oh! Now he is the caring fatherly figure’.

He finished the call, and looked at me. I wasn’t moved, a bit. ‘No sir, you still can’t make me cry.'

“You can go”, He said after returning my phone.

I gave him the papers to be signed eagerly.

“No, I ain't going to sign it”

“Why sir? You just talked to my mother…she understood the gravity of the situation and here I am swearing that it won’t happen again. Now what’s the problem?”

“…problem is, you are a girl. And you don’t seem to understand it”

“Cant a “girl” bunk classes?”, it came out a little too hard.

He gave me a cold stare now. Oh, I get it. “A girl” shouldn’t question the act of her male teacher.

“Sir, it is not by my fault that I became a woman” I blurted…

Still no reaction.

“Sir, you gave him 3 days attendance ‘coz he is a boy and you are sending me away ‘coz I am a girl? “ I fumed…

Now, He smiled. It took me a while to get the reason behind that smile. Yeah, he had finally succeeded in getting on my nerves. I stormed out. Damn him, and damn his signature.

Tears were pouring out of my eyes. It was of rage.

“You should have cried it there in that room, instead of here.” Neeraj spoke from behind. He had overheard the conversation. He didn’t sound anything like a cry-baby I saw 5 minutes before. Damn his theatrics! He smirked and leaned over the wall basking in his victory of getting the paper signed.

I realised I was holding “The text of microelectronics by Sedra and Smith” for the whole time. It was getting heavy in my hands.

He continued. “ See, he is really an idiot...all you need is to get really emotional, and he will sign it in no time”. I blinked. Did he just advise me?

That was the last thing I needed. I swinged back and hurled the book at him. It hit the wall, where he was leaning seconds before he ran for his life.

Aaarrrggghhhh! Damn him and his manhood!

Phone(y) call.

This happened four years before and I was not this much intelligent that time. You might be wondering, why I am saying this now, but trust me, this sentence can answer a lot of questions which will pop in your head, while reading the rest of the story.

It was a late evening, and I was in my room. My heart usually races, when I get a call those days. It was not something which happened frequently those days. I was Miss. Nobody. But when I answered his call I was totally cool. He is introduced himself as Mr. Krishnan and said that I am Sandhya. I gracefully accepted it. Who cares? What is there in  a name?

I should have ended the call immediately but, the lack of phone calls to my number made me think twice. Oh’ C’mon no one ever got killed because of answering a stranger’s phone call!

His voice reminded me of melting butter. So smooth and so rich. He can talk for hours and we did talk for 2 hours. I realized then, he knew all about me (including my real name!).

Any girl would have been scared, if she got a stalker on her tail… but I wasn’t (read the first sentence, please). I was curious. I knew that Curiosity kills the cat but, I was not a cat. I wanted to get to the bottom of this call, I wanted to know which of my friends betrayed me. I was bold, bold up to the verge of stupidity. I was in for the game.

He called me every day after that, and with each day the reluctance to talk to him diminished .Slowly I gained confidence, that he is  not a member of al-Qaeda. He became my emotional-ventilator, my personal ego-booster. I can yell at him. I can bang the phone right on his face. I can tell him to get-lost, to hang himself, to jump in front of a speeding train…a million times. I did all sort of things, to measure his patience. Still, he never left his cool. Still, he called me after 2 minutes and I took him for granted with glee.

This went on for three months…(read the first sentence, please). Then, he made his next step. He wanted to meet me.

Oh no! I am not that stupid, to go in front of a man, whom I have insulted a million times.

I was feeling bad too, because I knew he did all these things in vain. I was never going to meet him or to be his girl. At least he could have made an investment with all the money he paid for his mobile bill to call me. But, somethings are beyond our control right? And I never asked him to call me! It is not my fault.

Then, He started to follow me wherever I went.

He knew that I went to a particular temple on Saturday. He described the color of my churidhar I wore that evening.

He called me to tell me that he is in front of my college.

He called me when I went to my college function to say he is there too.

Luckily he was not man enough to confront me, but he did manage to creep me. I became frantic. I have to lose him off my tail! The engineer in me sprang in to action. I googled!!!

I downloaded the software, which automatically ends the call when a particular number calls. I installed it my mobile and blocked every number from which he called.

My phone became dead again And I lost myself in my daily chores, peacefully.

And after 6 months or so, I got his call again, the same smooth velvety voice. It was from an another new number, but I recognized the voice as soon as I heard the "hello". I had missed him and his calls. I was happy to get him back. I wanted to make a clean start, like the ordinary friends do.

We talked for 10 minutes, and he said he is needed somewhere else biding good bye. Well, I was surprised… I was the one who usually ask him to get-lost.

He called me again after 4-5 days. This time, I was the nicest girl. I wanted to make sure that he will call me again sooner. We talked for long. We exchanged the Facebook account details and There I saw his picture for the first time. He was an average looking guy. Clean shaved and with a clear skin, which will be more appropriate on a girl's face.

Then he said that!!!

HE MET SOMEONE! He is in love with someone else.

I could hear my heart shattering this time.

He is no more my Mr. taken-for-granted. I felt spurge of anger. I felt cheated. How can he go after another woman? How can he? Even if I blocked him and asked him hang himself, how can he? That was too rude and un-forgivable!

I banged the phone right on his face for the last time and re-installed the blocking software on my phone! THE END.