The angels.

Life was in turmoil for me then. It revolved Fast, too fast. My poor eyes were unable to keep up. I was still struggling in my sorrow filled world. With each step I take to get out, I slipped back more in to it.

I was becoming an alien to my friends. The growing dark circles around my eyes were the gift of my sleep-less nights. I walked aimlessly, my mind wandered but deep down I knew what I needed the most. It was a simple wish. I just needed him to call me.

I didn’t know when this journey to disintegration started, when his love for me was replaced by this cold indifference. The professors always made their best to remind me about my falling grades. I cared less. I had lost everything; I don’t have to worry anymore. There is nothing they can take away from me now.


I walked. Just kept on, walking.

I didn’t know when I reached my room. My roommates had learned to avoid me. They knew they could do nothing about my misery. My eyes welled frequently and now they conveniently ignored my sobs during the night. After all, it has been happening for more than a year now. But, they never really understood the real reason of my plight. I was in love, or at least I thought so.



The crowded hostel was suffocating me. Their laughs and merrymaking is not something meant for me anymore. I became silent, like a shadow. They were teasing Sherin, who recently got a proposal from a fellow class-mate. I could see that she was overjoyed. I was euphoric when he proposed me. So I understand. But, what after that? Can she possibly be thinking about my state? Or the way she will feel, when he will start to avoid her. I guess not. No one will.

No one will ever imagine their dreams being shattered, when they are so eagerly and carefully filling it with everything nice. I was good in it. I dreamed big about small things in life. Now even though I am watching them crumbling down, and I was still fighting it with my last ounce of strength. I couldn’t make myself believe that the damage is done. I couldn’t stop myself from hoping, and my heart leaped, whenever my phone rang.


Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. I was losing my patience. I was losing the hope that someday this pain will go away. I tried to be active, to mingle with everyone. But the ache was something inside me and it was killing me like cancer. I couldn’t make it go away. His face in my memories never faded. He never stopped coming in my dreams.

In one of my attempts to avoid my roommates, I ended up in the bathroom. Finally some space! I was crying. The ease with which the tears filled my eyes had stopped to surprise me. Now crying was a way a life. I was becoming angry, at myself, at him…at the whole world. What did I do to deserve this?

A strange determination seeped over me. I need to end this today. I can’t take it any longer. I am going to do whatever it takes.

There was only one option left for me. And that option was sounding more and more plausible as the time passed. Who needs me in this world anyway? And I don’t have any commitments either.

I sneaked out. My friends are working on the drawing sheet to be submitted tomorrow. I never had to bring it home; I was able to finish it in the college itself.



I searched my soldering kit. I got the blade. It was used to swipe away the insulation of the cables. I checked; it is sharp. It will be the apt tool for the act. I slipped back in to the bath-room. Nobody used to question my act those days. I was a bubble floating around aimlessly in mid-air.

My parents have already made it very clear, that they will live happily even without me. I remembered how my father pretended to be deaf, when I asked for school fees. I knew that I am a mile stone around my mother’s neck, the only thing which ties her to the gruesome married life she is having. So, no regrets there.

I checked for my pulse. Found it. I was reluctant for a second.

What will I say to God after I reach heaven? Or how it will be in hell? Am I doing the right thing?

His face flashed in my memory once again and my mind screamed for its freedom from this wretched body. I will trade anything for an escape from this, even my soul.

I closed my eyes, and slashed my wrist where I found the pulse. The blood gushed out. Thick rich velvety liquid.

It was warm, my warmth and it was going down the drain, like my life.

I waited.

Minutes passed…

I didn’t know what to expect. How will it be…?

I looked up for the angels or the demons, which would have come to escort me for the final journey. None!

I have stopped to bleed. I shook my hand a little. Still nothing.

I slashed my wrist again. A new gush of warm blood. It made me smile. I smiled at the zeal with which I wanted to die.

I waited again. The flow of my blood started thinning down again. I slashed it again and again.

Then the realization settled like a mist over me -- I am not going to die today

I slipped out of my bathroom and went to sleep silently. I had covered my wound with a cloth. It was dripping blood and I hoped that no one will notice it in that dim light. I tried to remember all the promises, he had given me. I held on to the pillow, as if it were my precious memories of him. After sometime, I became too tired to weep, and slipped in to a dream.

He was my idol of worship, and I was his devotee. I didn’t dare to touch him even in my dreams, fearing that I will make him impure. He was something divine, more precious than my mortal self. I lived in that never ending fascination.

Sreeja jerked me up my sleep. She was holding out my hand. The cloth has fallen off in the middle of my unconsciousness.

“What did you do? Are you mad for slashing your wrist for that a**hole?”

I didn’t know what to say, I looked away.

“You are insane! You need to go to a doctor”. She was holding my other hand tightly. Maybe she feared that if she let me go, I might slip away and never come back. I was still silent.

“Call him, Call Praveen. Call him now”, she commanded.

“I won’t”, I said bluntly. What will I tell my best friend?

“You cannot leave this wound unattended. You need a doctor”, she is almost pleadin now.

I sat up. She was still trying to come up with something. She was worried, genuinely. Yeah, it will be a big trouble if the warden finds out. I have heard somewhere that suicide attempt is a criminal offense. I didn’t want to go to jail. I didn’t want further isolation.

“I will call him”, I surrendered.

Praveen was my bestest buddy. By the level of maturity he shows, I was confident that he will find a way out. But telling him was the problem.

He answered the phone in the second ring. He wasn’t sleeping.

“Praveen, I have got a problem. I tried to commit suicide”, I said nonchalantly.

“How?” he asked. I didn’t find the element of surprise in his voice. May be he was expecting it.

“I slashed my wrist”

A longer pause from him.

“Do you know something? You are a silly woman, a naive girl. You proved it. You know nothing about this world”, He ranted.

I kept quiet. I was in no mood for an argument. The wound had started to bleed again.

“Is it bleeding now? Time is 12.30 and obviously I cannot come to your place now. Ask Sreeja to put first-aid on the wound. I will be there at morning 8.30 sharp. Don’t tell this incident to anyone” He said, without a break. I smiled. His level-headedness is something which has to be admired.

“Get some sleep now. See you tomorrow”, he said before ending the call.  

But, My night was sleepless as usual and I saw the day dawning slowly.

It was time to meet Praveen. I was anxious, but Sreeja hold on to me throughout the small walk even when my legs were quivering. I could see that Praveen was waiting near the park smoking a cigarette. I willed my legs to walk there. I could read from his face he was shaken by the news, but determined.

When I went close to him, he asked me to show my wound. I showed. It was disturbing and his face fell immediately.

“Get a taxi”, he ordered with tenderness.

When the taxi started to move, I saw that Praveen was ahead of us in his bike showing the way, and Sreeja still was holding my hands. I looked her in the eyes. No, she is not going to leave my hand. 

Tears welled up in my eyes. I looked up the sky with tear filled eyes. When you really need them, Angels will never fail to show up.